I’m not sure how you say no, however, I’ll be the first to admit, I say the word frequently and typically it’s with no follow-up provided. Ouch! A few years back when the word “Boundaries” became the latest buzzword, I started to practice the task of establishing boundaries and saying “No”. Let’s be honest, people usually know their answer to a request before the reply even comes out of their mouths, and many times it’s a no when the answer that came out is a resounding “Yes”! I know myself a “Hell No” is felt quite often.
Even I know, that a “Hell No” is somewhat strong for a person who wants to go to lunch with you, even on a day when you’re flipping out over how much work is on your plate. Using lunch as an example may seem laughable as to most humans, but socializing over a meal is a common event to be looked forward to. Sadly, for those who are coping with social anxiety, or struggling in the self-care department, the seemingly innocent request of spending time with another can bring on frustrating thought processes that typically leave all involved annoyed, flustered, and drained.
While my blunt response of “No” more times than not results in a dumbfounded look from the person sitting or standing across from me, I’ve learned that it’s my right to say however little I’d like. No further explanation provided, as I can not stand the feeling of answering to someone. Regardless of what I believe, I tend to go through feelings of guilt whenever I turn someone’s request down. I actually long to be able to ease another’s discomfort by providing a short and graceful response that aids in preventing feelings similar to that of getting their lips ripped off from asking to spend a little time with me.
While I previously stated that I despise having to explain myself, an instance where I feel I may be hurting someone is a different situation altogether. I get annoyed over feeling responsible for someone else feeling pain or discomfort when I turn down a request. While I fully understand I am not responsible for how others perceive and handle my responses, I do know that a display of grace and kindness can make a world of difference to another. Bringing light into another’s world also feels really good!
Boundaries have become a valuable tool that contributes to my well-being. There are many who operate under the guise of passive-aggressive behavior by saying what they think the other person wants to hear. “Oh yes, I’d love to do lunch with you, I’ll call you later to schedule”, while that call never takes place. “OMG, I’d be happy to help you out with your move”, on the day of the move a sudden sickness falls upon the one who agreed to help. I could give countless examples of when these instances occur, Hell, I’m guilty of agreeing to do something because I couldn’t say no, instead of honoring my authentic feelings. It’s simply easier to say yes than no, however, I will close with this bit of insight.
Agreeing to something to make another person feel better when deep down it’s known that you don’t want, or even can’t fulfill the request, can cause unnecessary feelings of hurt and dismay. Honor your feelings, come from an honest place, and if you can muster it up, hold on to that authenticity while displaying kindness and grace.
Susan C Anderson
Living as Divine Existence